Figuring ish out.

Hi. 

Today, I went on a hike.

We live in a very beautiful place.

It's true, ridiculously so.

But.

All I could think of on this hike is how I want to live in Seattle.

I need to get out.

To get away.

The other day,  I was talking to a friend about life and as we were talking we were driving around our town. As we traveled, I realized we went on the same road twice. Not necessarily going the same direction or anything we just happened upon the same road. Which, I suppose given how small our town really is is completely normal. Astonishingly enough, this drive made me feel more trapped then I have ever felt in my entire life.

I see the same things every day. No matter what I do or if I go for a drive or anything. We do live in an extremely beautiful place, but, I need to get out.

Away.

Anything.

It's sad to think that we grow up and everything about us changes. It's hard to realize that what we once thought mattered more then anything now ceases to have any sort of meaning to us in our lives.

This is where I live. 

It just doesn't matter to me anymore. 

I just can't care about it anymore.

This thought is one of the saddest conclusions I have come to in the past year.

Somewhat because I realize I have indeed grown up, but mostly because it made me realize that I am indeed stuck here until I finish school.

Two years to go.

Sorry for all the doom and gloom.

Perhaps next time I'll have something wonderful and uplifting to write about.

Life. Or Lack thereof.

I need to talk. This is pushing my brain down.

Last night I had a dream where I did something or other and it was bad which I don't remember but anyway I had a death sentence. 

I had to take a pill and it would cause me to stop living.

Not a normal dream right? Right.

Well in the course of this dream I started thinking of afterlife. 

What if there isn't one. What is it?

In my dream I just remember everything going black. 

Which I guess waste dying in the dream and the end of my dream and me just being in this trapped state of mind until I woke up.

It was horrible.

What if that's it when we die. 

Just a trapped nothingness.

Black. Alone with our thoughts.

I'm petrified.

I've never thought about what comes after life.

Now I'm questioning if that's the reason we all have religion.

To drill into our heads from the moment of birth that it will be okay, that there isn't some infinite black nothingness waiting for us on the other side.

What if this is death.

What if we lived once and were born again.

How would we know? 

This thought and this thought alone is what is most likely going to keep me up for the next two weeks.

How could I cease to exist?

How could I not be living anymore

Not thinking

breathing

feeling.

I'm petrified.

It's hurting my brain.

The end. 

Of my ranting.